bird talking (Creative Writing Workshop : Critiques)

• ·         It was a very lovely text, and show the sadness of the narrator., that's the sad thing i actually wanted to post.
• ·         The words used were nice,i like how you used Bird as the metaphor, though it was quite manlike. 
• ·         The tone used show the feeling, which is really great.
• ·         But, some work need to be done to improve the grammar, it was just a few errors you've made.
• ·         The used of dialog, cool, just the format of the dialog was wrong. i.e: "Wait, where're you going?" asked him. "I'm leaving you." The Parrot answered him back. Bird Talking

The Gunners Make It (Creative Writing Workshop Prompt)

Quickly he ran to get the ball passed too him.  Though the ball gone wide from his feet which his comrade passed it wrongly, he, the unsung hero with his speed which he knew well that he will never be able to reach to the ball before another man who was in yellow got it, ran with passion and zealous force to the ball and managed to get the ball. The Cameroon took his spirit to another level.  He was a completely different man last night. Some know he is so well in his field, and some even say he is the best man in his area, but he always let himself be under the seasons, perhaps last time it was summer, then it swiftly changed to autumn, then slowly wintering himself and last night, that was SPRING!!!  He went through few men in yellow with the ball like sticking to his feet.  They yellows, which some say those men which he gone through are the remained Nazis, who really great in assaulting, and blatantly great in defending, where from August till now, they still held their crown high.  The men in yellow, the remained Nazis, people called them the Dortmund, and the man who ran with the ball, with his team in red as he was also in red, glamorous red with FredPerry-like leaves on the crest, people named them the Gunners,sometime the White Army, and sometime the Crisis. The unsung hero, they called him the Sidekick to the Robin-who-now-doesn’t-need-Batman. After passed through the yellows, he projectiled the ball beautifully to Robin and Robin headed the ball into the goal, and Robin scored the first goal!!! “Really nice dribbling by Song, and Van the Man is very Vantastic, he scored, AGAIN.” And they played the whole game very well and managed to get through UEFA Champion League.  Alexander Dmitri Song Billong, Man of The Match.

The girl and the man

“I never want to see you again!” and she started taking off her six inches heels and threw it to a male in checked shirt who was standing at the entrance of Pavilion shopping complex.

He moved slightly aside, dodging the thrown heels and caught the heel with his muscular arms.

Then he said with the kindest voice as he walked straight to the girl, “Oh honey, what I’ve done? What’s wrong with you? You don’t like the heels I gave you, do you? Babe, they are Italian, genuine leather.”  

He gave the heels back to the girl but she didn’t take it.

“I don’t care if this is Italy or Gombak! I will not care anymore! Who the hell is she? Why is she wearing the same heels as mine?”

“Oh, that girl. Why would you envy her, she just wore the same heels as yours, that does not make her better than you my dear.”

“I don’t care, she can walk with you! But she should not wear the same heels! You said mine, or this piece of trash was priced thousands euro, hand made, specially made for me, only one had been made! You are a terrible liar!” she spoke with her hand taking off another heels.

The man then stunned in silence, and then whispered to the girls stopping her from going to beat him “Those are China, these are Italy.”

“Whatever.” She pushed him and walked away, with the heels on the man’s chest.

MOONEYE

There was a boy,MIZAN who was so simple he even went to any occasions wearing just jeans and loose tee with dark coloured flip-flop.  He was like five foot nine, everyone said he should go playing basketball or volleyball rather than just sat on the chair moving and rubbing the knights and the queen on the white and black checked board.  He always been the first to get in classes and left none of his box in the attendance list unmarked.  He was an A student, and no one had ever called him Aleck.  Some said, he never knew any alphabets except the letter A, and he never knew that people can write or doodled “x” marks on examination papers or assignments or quizzes.  He was fair, but recently he is getting darker. He got really nice eyes, the Caucasians eyes, his nasal bone was obvious, but less obvious then Rowan Atkinson, his forehead was very clean, very alike to Johnny Deep’s forehead, his jaw was very nice, just like the Ferrari F430 bumper and his cheek, even not so chubby, the dimples were very obvious.

Every evening, whether it was at Cherating or Gambang, he walked, to appreciate nature around him, and to sip every tiny bit of fresh air into his crippling lungs to enable him pumping more precious bloods with more treasurable oxygen. But no one knew that he had TB, Congenital heart disease and asthma. That’s why he keep leaving perfect footprints on the sandy beach, though they were a bit over pronated, it still perfect on the sand, and perfect on the runway.   

He's from Cherating, lives just near the shore, where the sky was so bright at night in November he could see Orion Belt.  He used to lay on the beach, or maybe at the balcony when the weather is under the weather.  The balcony was nicely arranged with tulips and lilies, with a lazy chair facing the shore. There, when the sun just about to be going into the ocean, or into the earth, the wind could automatically help him turning the page he read to another.  The people on that village, `Kampung Sepakat Jaya’ have a very light hand, though some of them very muscular and vastly fitted tees they wore.  None of them ever keep their hand down to others, either to outsiders or insiders.

Generations to generations, everything is going well in `Kampung Sepakat Jaya’, although many pillars with ropes were now there, although people talked through boxes and some plywood-like things, and even many of them got the things people used to share their thought, their info, status, to find old-missing friends, and to post picture or moving picture, there still having occasions with teenagers bringing food in salver, which not made from silver, and some still throwing a stone to the air, grab one on the floor and catch one in the air before it falls, and the kite still flying high and the tops spinning like it will never going to stop.  Mizan, he never missed those things, he played those things and he knew every single thing very well.

But then, the moon started to …………….(to be continue)